Bogus Weightloss/Wellness Tips For New Moms

You just had a baby. Your body is healing, doing it’s thing, but some people have already spoken those hideous, unnecessary words to you.

They mean well. It’s what everyone thinks you want to hear.

You’ll snap right back!

You’ll lose the baby weight so fast!

The reality is that you just gave birth, your priorities are now on taking care of this little human you created. The last thing on your mind is dropping the extra love handle or having a facial….at least for now.

But sometimes, people like me who are vain, we DO care about the extra weight and we want some solutions on at least mediating it slowly. If you don’t care about the weight, then I’m sure you’ve at least tried to find some lists on “tips on taking care of yourself.” Who doesn’t want to feel ‘fresh’ after 9 months of work? I feel like these two things go hand and hand….so let’s discuss the bogus “top 5 tips” that really no new mom can actually do…

1.) Eat Healthy

I’m not saying its impossible to eat healthy, but convenience is KEY for the first few months. I’m lucky if I ate at all for the first two months. For the first month of my babe’s arrival, I survived on peanut butter on bread and Thai takeout. Not the worst combo but definitely not the best.

You’re struggling to survive with lack of sleep while you try to keep the tiny human alive…Focusing on having gourmet organic healthy meals isn’t looking promising and we need to just all accept that. Meal prepping is great, if you have someone ELSE do it (because any spare time you have is either going to be spent sleeping or finally bathing…)

We tried food boxes like Purple Carrot for the first few months, but even still we were both exhausted. Make your life easier and do what you need to, just try and eat ‘varied’. Honestly that is key. If you get take out, get the ‘healthier’ option at the take out place. Eventually you will be able to muster up the strength to meal prep or cook, but treat yourself nicely in the meantime.

2.) Exercising

Yes, it’s important….but when are you going to find the time? You have a nanny? Great, more power to you, but the rest of mere peasants don’t. I’m a stay-at-home mom and my exercise is popping that baby into a sling strapped to my chest and doing squats, but not everyone can do that. In the beginning leaving baby with anyone will be nerve wrecking and that’s not good for gym motivation. Instead try walking. It’s a great form of exercise, and honestly way more realistic. Baby will love it. You will get some fresh air. Bonus – you will get to see what the sun looks like again. WIN-WIN.

3.) Sleep When Baby Sleeps

Whoever said this must have had a housecleaner, a home chef, a personal groomer, and a life coach…..because when baby sleeps (if they go down for more than 30 mins) is when you eat/shit/bath and maybe look out of the window longingly. Baby Nap Time is —do everything right now and prey to God and the heavens above the baby don’t wake up before your done time. You’ll get use to operating on 3 hours on sleep (scary.) Instead try and work in shifts with your partner (if you can) and eventually, I promise, the baby will sleep enough that you’ll be functional.

4.) Take Time To Pamper Yourself

I laugh at this stupidity ever time I hear it….

Pamper? Pampering myself at this point in my life is being able to take a quick, hot bath while baby power naps in a bouncy. HIGH LIFE. #WINNING

When baby sleeps, you try to do the other 95% of things you need to do to function. In the begging, taking care of yourself is hard. I use to turn my nose up when I saw friends who were put together and then let themselves go. I refused to be that woman.

WELL…Karma’s a bitch. A petty, spiteful bitch. I get it now, and you will too. Sure, once baby is a little older you may be able to do a 15 minutes face message, but it isn’t about you anymore really and as soon as you step into the bathroom for anything, baby will be calling you with ferocity. Your pamper time will come, just not now.

5.)Investing In Postpartum Clothes

They are the SAME as the pregnancy clothes. Save your money. Use it to save a bit for a “date night” out or even just for fancy takeout for a date night IN. I was that girl who couldn’t stand the legging/shirt look but honestly you are still healing and the baby is going to decorate your clothes with piss and vomit. Save your wardrobe funds for when you have reached your new weight goal (if you have any) or for when the baby isn’t out to soil you.

So that’s it folks. Do any of you have any bad advice that just didn’t work?

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